I love mediation.
I love negotiating positions and arriving at workable solutions. I think that Mediation is the most powerful tool for resolving most disputes without the stress, cost, and time of a courtroom battle. I’m the first to admit that mediation is not a panacea, however, whether it’s a business disagreement, a workplace conflict, or a family matter, mediation gives everyone a chance to be heard, find common ground, and reach a mutually beneficial solution (most of the time).
But like any process, success in mediation depends on preparation and approach. Unfortunately, many participants make simple mistakes that can derail the process or prevent the best possible outcome. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid so you can make the most of your mediation experience:
1. Coming in with a “Win or Lose” Mindset
Mediation isn’t about beating the other side—it’s about finding a solution everyone can live with, long term. When parties enter with a combative, antagonistic ‘courtroom’ mentality, they miss opportunities for compromise and creative problem-solving.
I always tell clients to shift their focus from “winning” to resolving. I tell them to ask themselves, “What outcome can I accept so we can move forward?” I’ve realised that in many cases they haven’t thought about the issue using this frame, but when they do they are able to move past most blockages which allow for more meaningful, honest communication and resolution.
2. Not Being Fully Prepared
Showing up without the right documents, facts, or a clear idea of what you want can waste valuable time. I often tell my clients ahead of time what they need to do to prepare for a mediation session, for instance I advise them of who the mediator is, what they do, I remind them of what documents they need to bring along as well as what sort of records they need to peruse, or mine for information and relevant materials. I also indicate ahead of time how the mediation session is expected to proceed as well as the contents of the Agreement to Mediate.
In order to ensure that you are fully prepared for a mediation session be sure to gather all relevant information ahead of time. Write down what I call your PCNs, your priorities, possible concessions, and any non-negotiables, this practice assists all parties to clarify their thoughts and positions and ultimately leads to a smoother discussion.
3. Failing to Listen
It’s easy to focus only on your side of the story, but successful mediation requires listening—really listening—to the other party. Mediation is a voluntary process and as such each party engaging in a mediation session should come to the table with an open mind and open ears.
I always tell my clients to try to understand the other person’s perspective, empathy goes a long way to resolve disputes. I remind them that they don’t have to agree with each position or even each version of events or facts they hear described but they should listen to the other party in order to move the process forward. Always bearing in mind that one of the purposes of mediation is to allow persons to be and feel heard.
4. Letting Emotions Take Over
Conflict can bring up anger, hurt, or frustration. While these feelings are valid, letting emotions control the conversation can stall progress. in some instances mediators have to call a halt to or pause discussions to allow the ‘temperature’ in the room to cool. Sometimes a caucus is held to allow one party to share their feelings freely without interruption so as not to inflame the discussions further. Mediators have many options to assist in diffusing tensions when things get too heated. In some cases where emotions are triggered by some traumatic incident persons may be referred to counselling or therapy with a licensed clinician before discussions could resume. Indeed in some extreme cases therapy should take place before mediation is attempted.
However, in less volatile cases I always tell clients to take breaks if needed, breathe deeply, and keep their tone respectful. It is important to remind persons that the goal is resolution, not revenge.
5. Ignoring the Mediator’s Role
The mediator is there to guide the process, keep things on track, and help explore options. Treating them like a judge—or worse, disregarding them—undermines the process. I am always weary of mediation parties who demonstrate very early on their intention to disregard the mediator and their guidance. It is important that parties to a mediation understand in advance of the session who the mediator is and is not and what the mediator does and does not do.
I tell clients that it is important to select a mediator that both parties trust and respect, a mediator with the appropriate expertise is also a good choice. Mediators are neutral and focused on helping both sides find common ground, the parties just have to trust the mediator and the process.
6. Rejecting Creative Solutions
Sometimes, the best solution isn’t obvious. Parties who stick rigidly to one outcome often miss out on win-win alternatives. Many parties enter mediation with a preconceived notion of what ‘victory’ looks like, they are often closed to other options and in many instances refuse to think outside of the box. It is important to stay open-minded and flexible, this is where the PCNs list comes in, sometimes seeing your own positionality, your negotiating perimeter if you will, in writing, is helpful and allows for creative problem solving. Sometimes creativity requires the use of tools and techniques such as mind mapping, the use of white boards or even tech tools. Throw into the mix a bit of humility and the right amount of compromise, and you just might reach a solution that satisfies everyone’s key needs. I always encourage my clients to be open to all options and to focus on the outcome.
7. Not Considering the Future
Some parties only focus on resolving the immediate conflict, forgetting to address long-term concerns. This is where honesty and full transparency is required. Sometimes parties are not coming to the mediation with ‘clean hands’ (to borrow the maxim from Equity) or clean hearts. Mediation requires parties to be honest and to lay all their cards on the proverbial table, that’s sometimes the only way to propel the matter forward positively. I know that persons are often scared to be fully transparent and that’s where your agreement to mediate comes in (I will do another post on this in the coming weeks, so stay tuned). A properly drafted agreement to mediate ensures that persons understand the ground rules and the boundaries, and can feel safe about operating in the mediation environment which is protected by the guardrails established in the agreement.
It is also important for parties to think about what will help maintain a positive outcome and prevent similar disputes in the future, this requires foresight and forward planning. Brainstorming works in this instance, where parties are encouraged to think about the root cause of the conflict or what gave rise to the need to mediate in the first instance and to identify conflict resolution options in advance of any other action. Sometimes I ask clients to prepare a wish list of items/actions that they would like to address within the confines of the current mediation, alternatively, I ask them to think about the short, medium or long term implications of the mediation agreement that is produced at the end of the mediation session to ensure that they take as much of the potential implications of their agreement into consideration.
My Final Thoughts
Mediation works best when participants voluntarily come prepared, stay open-minded, and focus on finding a workable solution instead of “winning.” By avoiding these common mistakes, clients give themselves the best chance of walking away with an agreement that works for everyone.




